Jul 30, 2004

You know, over the last six months I have done so much for him. I've sent him a Return with Honor ring, for his mission, to remind him of his worthy temporal and eternal goals. I sent him his favorite oatmeal and drink (Yoohoo), to show my genuine love and concern for him as a friend. I've sent him inspirational cards, funny jokes, and uplifting emails.

What is his problem?? He was given the very thing he had always wanted. God might have been a little reluctant, but there was reason for that reluctance...obviously, because the way he is acting, denying the truth, and treating me is exactly the reason God was reluctant! He knew that this would happen, and I would go through this. I have learned a lot, and I was prepared exactly for this by my relationship with Jaime, but still. He was told he has to work very hard, but at the first sign of problems, at his first stroke of doubt, he does the opposite of what he was told.

You know, when things were going beautifully, I remember thinking, "This is too easy. This can't be happening; because I have known all along that my marriage will be "forged in the fire", and that the love that develops from it will be true and eternal, only because of the lessons and appreciation and devotion learned from the painful heartache and despair. Why is this so easy? Why has Heavenly Father simply handed me my eternal companion?"

Ah, now I know that it wasn't so easy. But the difficulty of all this; what both of us knew would certainly be coming...well, it's even more evidence of the importance and sanctity of our union. I know he's confused and scared. Confusion is normal, very normal. Does he think I didn't have doubts? Just because you have doubt doesn't mean you don't love someone. In fact, that is often proof of the opposite. Anyone in the beginning of a relationship who doesn't have doubts is just lost in infatuation. I mean seriously.

I know his trials and his pains. I know he needs me, but he denies it. I know I need him, too. Where I am weak; he is strong, and where he is weak, I am strong, especially now, after the past 6 months, and the testimony I have gained.

I know he still loves me. He can write me a horrible, hurtful email and deny it (and actually, I'm expecting one soon). He can marry another. He can do anything he literally wants; after all, he has his free agency. But he will never escape the truth. He is hurting himself, and I know he feels the pain, because I feel it for him.

I love that doughead so much. I've tried dating another. I have other options. I've had a semi-serious marriage proposal. I have another man that loves me, even though he knows my heart isn't entirely his! And gee, I love him too, but I simply can't go against what my Heavenly Father has told me, even though fear and mistrust reigns in me as well! I know the odds against me. BUT... I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, what plan the Lord has for me. If he decides to go against everything he has been taught, everything he bore his testimony about that first Sunday in January...if he chooses to do so, it's not only his life and his mission he is affecting.

Why does he refuse to be happy? Does he not know that God wants him to be happy? Only God's plan for each of us will bring us true joy, even in the midst of darkness and trials. By denying such we are creating our own hell.

Fear is not an option. Not in the kingdom of the Lord. He has required much from some of us; he and I included. I know I have fears and doubts too -- especially about my future. But that will NOT stop me from doing what He has asked me to do.

"The Search is Over"

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