Aug 14, 2004


Well, there isn't much to say, but at the same time, my mind and my heart are in a whirlwind of thoughts and feelings. You know, I have always prided myself in being independent. Yes, I won't lie, I am emotionally needy, but despite that, I also have been able to be by myself and not rely on anyone, financially, emotionally, or otherwise -- especially men. My problem is once I let them into my life, I open up too much at that point and then they get scared. I guess they don't want to feel that, but what am I supposed to do? It doesn't mean I can't survive without them. I can, and I know it. So does God.

But I have had to admit defeat. I've had to surrender. I have never, and I mean never felt such a need for another human being as I do now. Why am I even admitting this on my blog? I don't honestly know. I hate the fact that I need someone else. I don't like knowing that there are things I simply will not accomplish in my life without this person. But it's the simple truth, and I have surrendered to it.

I have never needed a man in such a spiritual manner as this. The need I have for Jeremy surpasses any physical or emotional needs I have ever had or required to be met. This is so very different, and leaves me utterly vulnerable. But I do need him, and I feel deep down he needs me too. Why I fight it; I do not know. I guess I would like to think that I can do it alone...with God.

But God has said himself in the Bible, "man is not meant to be alone." It is foolishness to assume we can do it that way. I know my mission; and I know I can't do it without him. Do I want to admit this? No. Do I want to scare him off if he reads this? No. Do I want to manipulate him by letting him know this? NO. But it is the truth, and it is a truth that I cannot deny. I feel it within every fiber of my being. What am I supposed to do about that?

Patience is no longer an issue for me. I have all the patience I need. Time isn't an issue, either. But what can I do to quench this spiritual need? This spiritual longing? I guess keep doing what I am doing. Magnify my callings. Keep on bettering myself. Serve others. Read the Word.

Well, I guess that is all I CAN do. But for some reason, there is still something missing; and I finally admitted to realizing what it is.

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