Aug 28, 2004

Sorting things out...

Well, I've been doing some research into what I need to do. Like i said in a previous blog, there is a program called Project Teaching! here in Wisconsin. But that is if I want to teach Spanish. Is Spanish what I'm supposed to teach? I'm not sure. I was also looking into some ESL programs...because surely I would teach English better than Spanish (I've already taught ESL when I was in Spain) but my bilingualism would also help me immensely in that area as well. BYU has a 1 year Master's certificate program.

So why am I looking at BYU? Sure there is a similar program here. Well, I don't know. But BYU has been popping up in my dreams lately. And NO, it's not because I want/need to go there to find someone to marry. I'm sure if I went there I'd date plenty and if circumstances became that Heavenly Father's mission for me was simply not going to happen, I could find someone out there. But I certainly do not want to go out there for that. I've already lived there, and I wasn't too keen on the dating population then. Being the person I am now, I know, for me, it would be even worse. I felt very alone the first time I was there, and it will be even more so now, because I have overcome my blind, judgmental, critical ways of looking at people and the world. Being amongst so many people who are exactly like I was doesn't sound too appealing (and yeah, I know, that is a judgment call in itself -- I'm sorry if I sound like a hypocrite). I know who I am, I know God's plan for me, and I know He is happy with who I have become and where I am headed. I am not worried about that. I know this gospel is true; I know the Book of Mormon is the most correct book on the Earth, and I know that we are led today by Prophets of God. I will never, ever deny this knowledge. But because I'm so stubborn about my testimony and my beliefs, it's ironic, but I stick out like a sore thumb in the Mormon culture, LOL. It's probably because I'm not that quiet, reserved woman that so many women are. I'm very vocal about my testimony, and very emotional about it, too.

But I'm digressing. Anyway, yes, there is a Master's program there. But then I was I supposed to teach ESL? Maybe I should look into teaching Institute! I really love my calling, despite how frightened and dubious I was when I received it. The fire within me; the knowledge I have that this gospel is true enables me to teach with the Spirit and with a passion. I know my stuff. I have studied the scriptures, and I have gained knowledge through the testimonies and words of our prophets and general authorities, as well as through personal reflection and prayer, and not to mention, through experiences and bad choices I have made as well. I love this gospel with all my heart and soul...I love my Heavenly Father, and I love Christ. I want to share that with others. If I can't do it on a regular mission, there are still lots of ways I can do it. And maybe teaching institute is one way. It's something to consider.

But anyway. There are a lot of things to think about. It's funny, but when I think about myself, and think about that determination and passion I have for the gospel, I wonder why I was never called on a mission, especially considering that the reason wasn't your typical reason -- that I was supposed to get married. Even recently when I have contemplated it and prayed about it, truly wanting to go this time, I was told there were other ways to serve a mission. When I think about Jeremy, and that same passion and testimony that he has, I recognize something in him that I see in myself. As many Mormons as I know, I have never met anyone who had that same "something" that Jeremy and I both have. This is why I know he will be an excellent missionary, in any manner that the Lord calls him. I know he loves this gospel with all his soul, just like I do. Yeah, we're human, we still screw up, but learning from mistakes just strengthens our determination and our testimony even more. I recognize that light within him, and I can feel it. That is why when he talks about not being so great or whatever, it hurts me. It's not that I live in this fairyland world and think he can do no wrong. I know of his mistakes, and heck, I know what he has done to me! LOL he has hurt me more than anyone I have ever met, but because I'm easily able to forgive him doesn't mean I think he is perfect! Why do some people think I believe that? I think he is great because of who he is. I think he is wonderful because I recognize in him something that very few people have.

I recognize myself in him. And I recognize Christ in him. And he doesn't possess that because he is perfect or even close to it. He posesses that because he chooses to have it, and because despite the weaknesses he might have, he is one good man who is determined to fight for what is right and just, and to overcome those very things within himself. His determination and humility alone is what allows Christ to shine from him.

And that is why I love him so much.

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