Aug 27, 2004

To be happy...or not to be...

I was talking to Mark online today, and he was telling me about how happy he was, finding his future wife and all that. I was sincerely happy for him, and so glad that some people out there are making things work. Yet he mentioned Jeremy a few times, and told me that Jeremy didn't hate me; that he wanted me to be happy. I just typed my little smile emoticon and that was pretty much all I said to that.

Yeah, whatever. I believe he is sincere, but then why does he refuse to believe that which we both were told? I oft times wish I could deny it; that I could believe things were so black and white; figuring that there is ONLY one correct path, and anything that comes in my way of the path I am taking will just be pushed away. Why can't I be like that? Well ok, I guess I don't really want to be like that. If I had been like that, I never would have done many things in my life. I never would have gone to Spain. I knew I was supposed to go. I was told feverently and many times. Yet my family, my doctors, my bishop...everyone told me not to go. Everyone told me I had to stay home and get better. Everyone told me I wouldn't make it. Everyone told me it was the wrong choice. Everyone questioned my sanity. Even reality opposed it. I couldn't find an internship! The one I had fell through! I had no place to stay and no idea how I would accomplish the task at hand, but I got on that plane and I went anyway.

And it all worked out exactly as it needed. I had faith, even if at times it was shaky. I did what God told me to do, and I not only was able to retain that internship, but to extend it another 3 months, make some great friends, found a place to live, and really began to master the language at hand. It was exactly what Heavenly Father knew would help me heal from my wounds, and to grow and become the woman I needed to be. He also knew that I was placed there to help others begin their own missions, or to just be a friend. He knew me, even when everyone who loved me or was concerned for me thought they did as well.

Why do people in my life think I'm weaker than I really am? Why do they think my self-esteem is lower than it really is? To tell you the truth, other than a low self esteem concerning my looks, I have to be careful to not get too proud! I know who I am, and I wouldn't want to be ANYONE else. I know I have an abundance of talents and gifts. Geez...low self-esteem? Weak? Give me a break!.

But anyway, my point is -- everything and everyone was against me, but I did not let my faith falter. Sure, I questioned it plenty of times. I cried over the reality of it all -- reality pointed out that I wasn't going anywhere. But Heavenly Father kept telling me to hang on, and hang on I did.

So this is why I can't be that kind of person who simply denies those things that are too hard; too scary, or just don't seem right because they contradict our original, righteous plans. I am so weary though, and so tired of trying to be strong every day, of putting a smile on my face, and counting my blessings. Being happy shouldn't be this difficult! But when you know with every fiber of your being that you were put on this earth for a specific mission, and that mission is interrupted because of the choices of another...what the heck are you supposed to do???

What am I supposed to do?? I can't live like this for much longer. God might think I'm capable, but I am beginning to doubt it. I know what Jeremy has said. I know what reality speaks. I know what his loved ones and a few of mine have told me. But I have priesthood blessings, experiences in the temple, and other very personal and sacred reasons for believing what I do.

But the truth is; I am just so weary. I've tried to forget it; I've tried to deny it. But I can't, and I have found that when I do, I am even more miserable. Heavenly Father has His reasons, and must have faith in him that He knows best.

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