Oct 1, 2004

Clumsy me

HAHA, well just before I left for work this morning I ended up spilling almost an entire bottle of very expensive and rare  "Dans La Nuit" perfume by Worth. It spilled all over my purse, me, and my dresser. Ok, so the bottles are tiny and I have three more of them, but I wanted that stuff to last me a long, long time.

Needless to say, I smell quite purtyful this morning, although I'm sure my colleagues at work won't want to get too close to me. But smelling this perfume all the way to work brought back memories. Memories of the Champs-Ellysees where I first found this perfume in Paris, back in 1992. It also, for some reason, brought back other memories of more recent times. Maybe it's the way it smells, along with the crispness in the air, the changing color of the leaves, and the sense if finality of Autumn that reminded me of things that I have longed for and yearn for. I'm not sure.

What I do know is that I've been having nightmares about my birthday. I really am not looking forward to it. In 2 and a half months I will be 29. It's not the usual reason I am not looking forward to it, though. The age doesn't matter to me at this point. It's the fact that last year, my birthday was the sweetest, greatest birthday I've ever had. Heavenly Father had given me the greatest gift I could have ever hoped for. I remember pinching myself several times, just to make sure it was true -- that it had indeed happened.

Maybe I should have continued pinching myself all the way through February. I don't know, but the nausea that sweeps over me every time I think about this looming birthday just makes me sick inside. How will I ever be able to enjoy another birthday again? The man I love gave me up. Whether his reasons were noble or not aren't the point here. I know what my Father in Heaven told me that day. I know that I didn't really want to hear it, either, because I was so scared and didn't want to let go of what I had grown accustomed to. But the sweet peace and the utter joy that I felt after I was given an answer to a prayer I didn't even really ask -- well it was inexplicable, and I can't even begin to describe it.

And now I'm faced with the exact opposite emotion to that. I've been pretty strong up to this point, and I have been able to quelch it. But I know how I get on my birthdays as it is; and this year is going to be an absolute emotional nightmare.

I will keep praying for peace, though. Somehow I will make it through that day. But it's also the entire season. Christmas has always been my favorite time of year. I love December (except for how much it drains my pocketbook). It was absolutely exquisite last year. What will I do this year? How will I find the strength to overcome the nausea and the fear and the loneiness?

Well, I know what I am made of. And I know I'm a child of God. I have to trust Him, that everything will be ok. Somehow.

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