Denial

What I still don't understand, though, is why he continues to deny personal revelation. I don't think he hates me at all...he just can't handle my presence in his life. He knows he has hurt me terribly and the guilt probably overcomes him when he even allows himself to think about me. I truly hope and/or wish that this is not the case. Yes he has hurt me, but I'm all the better because of it. I've grown, and I sure hope he has too. But just because I've grown, and just because I've been able to recognize the positive experiences that came from the most painful moment in my life, doesn't mean that the deeply personal and overwhelming revelation I received on my birthday last year was, in fact, a lie or somehow misconstrued by my confused heart. I would never knowingly and willingly hang on to hopes of something so seemingly impossible and painful. Yet, I know my track record may prove otherwise (aka J.R.P). But there was a reason for J.R.P...to prepare me for this. I have been told this. Everything I was told since October of 1995 makes complete sense. The things I was shown on that day have indeed come to pass. The deep pain and depression I was told that I would go through have indeed overwhelmed me. Yet I told my Father with complete faith and determination, both that October day in 1995 and that December day of 2003 that I would follow Him and do as He asketh, no matter the consequences. Do I willingly want to continue to go through this? To love someone who is more determined to NOT love me than Hitler was to install a supreme race on this globe? Heck no. I too have my pride. I know I'm better than that. And I've tried straying from the path...but I was told to get right back on it.

Sweetheart, if for whatever reason you might find yourself reading this someday, I do hope you realize several things. ONE: You have been forgiven for, well, just being human -- for doubting, for fearing and for hurting me in the process -- just as I know I have been forgiven for my part in this all too. TWO: I will always love you, no matter what. Do you seriously think I care about anything other than the child of God that you are? Do you think I naively dismiss your human traits and foibles? You must know me better than this. Heck, your best friend has gotten to know me and trust me and he can attest that the last thing I care about is someone's past or someone's weaknesses. We ALL have BOTH. If I truly thought you were beneath me, or beneath anyone, for that matter, would I even allow myself to go through the torture of unrequitted love? THREE: SHE was wrong. Even your best friend agrees that she has (although I'm sure well-intentioned) caused more strife and confusion in your life than you deserve. I KNOW that you and I received the same answer in regards to us. I KNOW that beyond a shadow of a doubt. You may continue through life doubting it, questioning it, and forcing me to doubt and question it as well, simply by continuing down the road of actions and consequences that you are, but dear, even if temporarily I lose my mind and believe it was all surreal, or that it never happened, I know in my heart that it did. I know it just as I know that THE GOSPEL IS TRUE. I will never deny it -- ever. I realize what future torment may very well be in store for me because of my refusal to deny the truth...but, well, then that will be my future. I would rather return to my Father in Heaven alone, but be there to receive Celestial Glory for my faith and my commitment to personal and general commandments, than to simply allow myself to lead a slightly happier life for the moment by denying what I know is true. I think of the eternal consequences when I make decisions, not just the temporal ones. FOUR: I cannot do anything to change your mind. I would hope and pray that God is your ultimate guide in your decisions. Not your family, not your friends...but your loving Father in Heaven.

Don't you see?? Don't you understand?? Why DO you fight your hardest battles against the people who love you the most?? Why do you force yourself into solitude and confusion when everything that you could possibly want...everything that God wants to give you, is right in front of you??

Oh how I wish I could convince you. Oh how I wish I could just somehow show you the truth. Oh how I wish I could remind you of everything you felt and learned 11 months ago. Oh how I wish I could make you see the light and convince you to turn back toward the peace and the love that has been promised to you! I know the truth...but all I can do, as any missionary knows, is share my testimony of it. All I can do is love you and pray. You have to do the rest.

Come home. Please come home. Come to a place where you are wanted, needed, respected, cherished, and loved beyond all reason. Why won't you give it another chance? Take a chance on happiness. Take a chance on someone who will never hate you, will never abandon you, will never judge you, abuse you or torment you. Take a chance on a woman that God prepared specifically for you.

I guess I just don't understand it. But for now, I accept it. Life is full of bumps and hurdles. But I know that despite what the future holds for either of us, I will continue to do as God commands me. My eternal rest in God will be made sure if I only but follow that one vital decision that I made long, long ago.