Nov 17, 2004

What am I thinking??

I'm an idiot. I don't know why I even try sometimes. I mean, the
guy is surrounded by women, living in a beautiful city in the
mountains, where the climate is just perfect. Between the 2
singles wards and all the other co-eds around, he can find plenty of
Why do I even try??

I know why. Because despite how much I might want to disbelieve,
I just can't. I've already been given too much knowledge. To
deny it would be a sin.

I really do understand how difficult it is to be a missionary. I
have a truth; and knowledge that I am as sure of as the Gospel of
Jesus Christ itself. I have a burning desire to share this truth
with the man I love most in this world. Yet despite how much I love
him, I am scared. I am scared of his own humanity, I guess. I'm
scared of mine as well.

But I know it is true. Why must I live my life full of truth
and knowledge that people seem to hate me and condemn me for? Why is
it that when I try to share that truth... the knowledge that I know,
beyond a shadow of a doubt, would bring greater joy and peace to
someone's life, do they only turn around and not only not believe me,
but cast me off in their mind as crazy? I do not understand this.
When I learn a new truth or principle from someone, even when up
until that point I had firmly believed the opposite, I embrace it. I
pray about it and if it is true, it becomes a knowledge. When
something becomes knowledge, affirmed to me in such a way, I no
longer doubt it.

So why do even the seemingly most faithful of people still fight
agains what will make them happy, and what is true? Do they not
understand Doctrine and Covenants 93?? Do they not realize where
truth and happiness comes from??

It is so hard. My heart breaks because I just ache. I pray for
understanding and patience, and I also pray that those who might be
praying the same for me will have their prayers answered, too.

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