Changing my life

Well folks, I am actually doing it. I mean, I've been slowly working towards this for the past two years, but I finally broke down last weekend and realized how very much I wanted to change. I am so sick of feeling bad about myself...so I made a change.

As those who know me know, I have been struggling with my weight for my entire life. I am fighting biology here, folks. I am not saying that I am not accountable for being overweight, because of course I am. But the fact is; I thought I could "be" like everyone else, and eat and exercise the way "I" wanted to. I've never been an overeater (only when Tom comes to visit ;) but I've struggled with loss of energy for some time now. I've always been lethargic...that is, if I'm not on the ski slopes, I'm basically not doing much to exercise.

A few years ago I joined Curves, and then after a year of that I switched to a full-out gym that offers everything. I started walking to work rather than taking the bus. I completely eliminated sugared sodas, and only had caffeinated ones when I was out to dinner and a caffeine free version wasn't available. (Caffeine is a diuretic, as you all know, and negatively affects weight management too).

But...although I may have lost a few pounds (more importantly I've been able to avoid gaining, and thus have been the same size for the past two years...hey, at least I'm not 20 lbs heavier). But, I don't want to maintain this weight, either. I don't like it. It's not me. When I look in the mirror I just don't see me there. While losing weight for me is harder than anything -- because I can work so hard and diet and barely see results -- I came to the conclusion that I have to do something drastic. While all the little changes I've made are well and good, they aren't enough. But they have proven valuable -- they have taught me that I CAN make a change that eventually will become a good habit.

So, I got prescribed a weight-loss aid. I have been using it for the past 5 days, and it has helped IMMENSELY. The funny thing is, while I never ate a heck of a LOT, I still had my cravings and I would find myself snacking during the day. Sure, it might be crackers and not candy bars, but it adds up, you know? But this medication has completely eliminated my appetite. I have to FORCE myself to eat :) I love that feeling...it reminds me of when I was on the phen-fen. I also have a ton of energy. I went to the gym that first day I was taking the meds and couldn't believe the energy I felt! I was on that ellyptical, running as if my life depended on it. I broke into a sweat (something I haven't done in awhile during my workouts) and I kept going. I would have gone longer except my exercise pants were starting to bind around my legs and it was hurting. But anyway...

I'm also making myself drink at least 64 oz of water a day. It is sooo hard because I have never liked water much (unless it's a hot sticky day in the summer), and it makes me have to go to the bathroom every half hour. But it's worth it. Drinking all that water has helped to flush out my system, is improving my skin, and I truly believe it's helping me eat less, too. I have only had 3 caffeine-free diet sodas in the past week -- compared to 2 or 3 a day (this is amazing!I). While yes, they are diet and yes they have nothing in them, I still believe that artificial sweeteners also negatively affect weight management. I don't care that it's not sugar, it is still somehow processed by the body -- right? Anyway, Propel fitness water is saving my life! I alter between those and regular water throughout the day. I also have made a commitment to not skip meals, even if I'm not hungry. ESPECIALLY breakfast. You need to have fuel to burn it..right? I was doing some research and learned that those who regularly skip breakfast tend to eat later in the day anyway (ah ha -- ME!) and also have problems with weight. If you eat breakfast, your body can start burning calories and fat sooner. If you wait until 12, then you lose 4 or 5 good hours of burning! I've also tried to not eat dinner at 10 or 11 like I used to. It's impossible to eat at 5 or 6, but 7 or 8 is better, and at least I'm not going to sleep right after dinner (NOT a good idea).

Laurie and Gilly wanted to go out to eat last night, and although I wasn't hungry, I did need to eat dinner, so we went to Applebee's. While normally I would have ordered a steak, or chicken or even a burger, guess what I ordered??? A SALAD. Can you believe it?? I hate greens...everyone knows that. But my sister has introduced me to asian chicken salads (and they use a low fat vinagrette...no fatty salad dressings) and I absolutely LOVE them. I had that with a bowl of soup and it was very satisfying. I also loved how when I got up and left, my stomach didn't feel heavy and I didn't feel like crap afterwards...like I normally do after eating.

So it's only been 5 days, but this time I am determined. I have a feeling that this time is different. I can feel it in my bones. My body is craving energy, and its crying out to me to find a way to get rid of the excess fat. I have lost a few pounds since Monday too -- and my clothes are fitting better. This really will encourage me to continue down this road.

I don't think I could do this without the meds. Like I said, I'm not a binge eater, but I would regularly have cravings and just the thought of not being able to eat "normally" always won out over wanting to be healthy and fit. But with the loss of appetite (I still get hungry, mind you, but now I'm seeing food as fuel, not as pleasure) I am able to better manage those cravings and in turn actually do something about what I hate most about myself.

I feel so free!!!!!