Mar 28, 2005

Sometimes I am SO Stupid

A rebound relationship is never a good idea, but I guess I let my weaknesses get the better of me. I guess I am much lonlier than I thought I was. Eric fulfilled a need for me, but I found myself again facing the same temptations that have plagued me with every relationship (except for Reid. He was a strong man with amazing willpower).

I complain about men being the same. But to a degree I think that generalization is valid. They seem to be thinking about sex every 6 out of 10 seconds of the day. There have been studies done to show this...and while I know there are always exceptions to the rule, this is just how they are biologically. And the reasons they are varies, but there are interesting theories out there.

But those don't matter. I guess I just have to accept that when a man finds interest in me, he's going to look at me and that is what he's going to go on. And I'm not talking about the extra weight. Although I am losing that really fast, especially this month (for whatever reason), it hasn't played a part in any relationship except for the one with Jeremy, and even that wasn't an issue until we broke up and he had to convince himself he didn't care about me nor was attracted to me. I saw right through it, and I pity him. I know why he has these misconstrued ideals of physical perfection; while I won't embarass him by spelling it out for the whole public, it is unfortunately a very common problem amongst men.

But anyway...I get very wary when I start hearing "oh how absolutely stunning you are!" Or "what a gorgeous face!" or even, in regards to my now slimming body, "I am so hot for you!" They try to tell me what I want to hear; that is, that it's not just me physically, but they are attracted to my mind and my heart. All I can do is shake my head and say "yeah, RIGHT!". Very few of them ever took the chance to get to know me for real. And when they do, they realize their idealized woman isn't fact, she's quite emotional and very sensitive. But nevermind that I could use the help from them to become better. Instead they make it worse for the next person who comes along because they, in the end, prove to me what I have been saying all along..."you are ALL the same, you only want ONE thing, and while you can promise me eternity and love and children and all the beauty of the earth right now, you WILL not be able to deliver on your promise. Not until you grow up and look reality in the face."

And then there are some of them, like Jeremy, who actually turn it around and tell ME I have an idealized picture of them in my mind. Yet this is utterly laughable, because it is simply not something I'm capable of doing after getting to know them. I knew very well what was wrong with him, but I didn't want to change him, I simply loved him for who he was and his desire to continue bettering himself. But all the while he was the one who had ME on a pedestal, not vice versa. And when it became apparent that I am a human being with my own weaknesses and foibles...BAM...that statue fell, and how mightily it did!

What a hypocrite. But he didn't realize what he was doing. So I cannot hate him.

Then there's Eric, this handsome, intelligent man, FINALLY one older than me...with all these great qualities, a beautiful home, his own company (or whatever it is), with the same goals in mind. While I am disappointed and perhaps a little angry with him for being such a typical "man" in reaction to how upset I got with him the last time we spoke, at the same time, I know that I didn't make matters any better. I should have just shut up and not have said anything, but I'm at the point in my life where I can't just "let" things pass by, and I have to test the waters to see the strength that a man posesses. Because what if, in my old age, I get crippled, or am in a coma? What if I lose a child and fall into deep post partum depression? What if one of our children takes the wrong path and makes very grave errors? Will the man I marry be able to handle these kinds of things, and find joy in serving his family, and expressing unconditional love? Or will he run away, or go looking for an affair when I'm 9 months pregnant, or abandon his wayward children? So anyway, I expressed how very upset I was, and rather than coming to me and talking about it, to iron out any misunderstandings I may have had, he ran the opposite direction and started avoiding me. I cannot say I'm surprised. But he, too, went on and on about how I couldn't possibly "scare" him. I don't know, maybe I was testing him, because it seems that I was at least half conscious of what I was saying to him. But can you blame me? I am scared to death of a repeat of Jeremy! I DO NOT DESERVE THAT. But I DID apologize to him, 1) because I WAS sorry, and 2) in hopes he'd return with a sincere apology as well for hurting me. But I guess I bruised his ego too much. That and the fact that I obviously fell off HIS pedestal too.

Oh well. Frankly, I do not want a man who his this misconceived perception of me, or expects perfection. It isn't gonna happen. It should be enough that I want to learn from my mistakes and continue becoming a better person, but rather than try to help me with these goals, men become self-absorbed and let something as stupid as over-emotion scare them away.

All I can say is "whatever". He, too, failed the test.

When a guy comes around that is truly willing and wanting to pass that test for the same reasons I would...simply because it is the RIGHT thing to do and an eternal marriage IS something important enough to sacrifice ANYTHING for...well...I don't know if such a guy even exists, but if he does, I hope to someday meet him. But at this point, I don't think such a man is out there.

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