Apr 12, 2005

I can't sleep. I decided to go back a few years and start re-reading my blog, to see how much I've changed. I came across this paragraph from December 2003, and the tears immediately started rushing down my cheeks. How very naive and very little did I realize that the pain was only beginning.

"How could I have possibly guessed that Heavenly Father allowed me to suffer so much pain and heartache over the past several years only to find someone who surpassed all my expectations? Sometimes I feel so unworthy of him and his love, but I know that we are meant to be together. He has reminded me that I am desirable, that I am beautiful, that I am a special daughter of God...one who God loves very much...he loves me so much, with all of his soul..and I never thought I'd ever find that. And most importantly, his love to follow the Lord is the greatest blessing I can imagine. He fasted for two days to receive the answer that we were to be married. He is so honest and so forthright...and I love the way he flirts and makes me feel like I am truly a woman. He is such a beautiful man, inside and out, and I am just flabbergasted that the Lord has been so mindful of me."

I've have become so calloused in the past few weeks, and I look at myself in the mirror and don't recognize the woman staring back. I have barely eaten anything, and while yes I keep losing weight, this is not what I'm talking about. Suddenly when I look at myself, I see the woman I could become if I continue to yield to temptation. Suddenly it's all very real; the weak, lost, miserable soul that could be me if I'm not careful. I find myself pleading and begging God to help me find the strength to overcome. I am grateful that each week I find strength and testimony in preparing my lessons. I'm grateful that each month I get up to bear my testimony even when I tell myself I WILL ABSOLUTELY NOT do it this month. I'm grateful that when I do yield to temptation, especially when I don't even feel sorry for it, I immediately recognize this as the Devil's doing; convincing me that my carnal nature is "who I am" and "natural" and that this is why "I don't feel remorse." I'm grateful that when this happens I immediately turn to my scriptures, or the conference talks of our Prophets, seers and revelators, or to my journal where my memories of blessings, of personal revelation, and of hope remind me of what I am working towards and who I am. I'm grateful that so far, even though I keep falling...falling...and feeling so disgusting and unworthy, that I still know God loves me, and that He believes my soul to be worth saving. I am grateful to see His hand in my life, and the miracles of how He is probably doing more than he usually would to protect me from my greatest weaknesses and from getting into situations that would only end in heartache and utter sorrow. I do see His Hand in the many failed attempts I've made to get together for a completely non-commital relationship with someone who I barely know. I don't know why suddenly all these men are in my life -- ranging from upstanding gentlement to the more vulgar and selfish. But suddenly, I am this desirable woman, this etheral beauty, this angel of innocence that screams for release...I don't know why or how this has happened, but it's getting old very quickly. Suddenly I find myself with this amazing power and control over men and especially over their appetites and desires. At first I found this immensely satisfying, but as time goes by the more I realize how base and vulgar it really is. That's not what I'm about! It is beneath who I am, yet I continue following these temptations. What on earth is wrong with me?? I keep pleading for strength. I know that I cannot overcome my weaknesses alone. I know that I must rely on the Savior. But it keeps getting harder and harder and I am so weary and so tired of being so alert and so in control that I just want release from it all. Yet I know this is something I must not do. Not only for my sake, but yes....for the sake of my unborn children.

Well, I will leave with a poem I have shared on numerous occasions. It's entitled "Love's Risk". I think it's entirely appropriate considering what I've been reading of my own writing, how I've been feeling, and of course, in dedication to my sister's official engagement to a certain Mr. Aaron Ault, who himself brought tears to my eyes as I watched his video of his proposal to my little sister at a lovely restaurant in Italy, the presentation of an absolutely stunning diamond ring, and then the intensely sincere and beautifully written words he expressed in his proposal love letter to her. While yes, I am jealous beyond belief, I am soooo happy for both of them and I am soooo happy that she has found a true gem. They both risked love, and they both now know that yes, it really is the only risk worth taking.

Love's Risk

There is a risk involved in everything
Every time you share a smile
Every time you shed a tear
You are opening yourself up to hurt.

Some people tread slowly through life,
Avoiding the closeness risk brings,
Side-stepping the things they can't understand
Turning away from those who care too much-
Those who care too long,
Those who hold too tightly.

There is never an easy way to love
You can not approach it cautiously
It will not wait for you to arm yourself.
It does not care if you turn away
It is everywhere, it is everything.

Love is the greatest of all risks.
It is not reliable, it is not cautious,
It is not sympathetic
It is unprejudiced and merciliess.
It strikes the strongest of mind,
And brings them to their knees in one blow.

Even in the best of times, love hurts.
It hurts to need, it hurts to belong,
It hurts to be the other part of someone else,
Without either of your consent.
But, from the moment it overtakes you,
It hurts worse to be all alone.

The risk of love never depletes;
It grows stronger and more dangerous with time.
But, it's in the total surrender of all defense,
That we, no matter weak or strong,
No matter willing or captive,
No matter what, we truly experience love.

Despite the many things love is not,
Outweighing it all are the things that love is.
Love is surrender without a loss.
It is a gift without the cost.
It consumes your every thought & desire,
Every breath you take.
It is the fire that fuels you
To do more than pass through life;
It urges you, instead, to live.

No matter the outcome, having felt love,
You will never be the same.
It may scar your heart & soul
And Leave you only memories of forever.
Or, it may cause every day of your life
To feel like there is no need for tomorrow.
But, love is worth it. It is worth the risk...
For in all of life,
Love is truly the only risk worth taking.

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