Apr 6, 2005

I just want to give up....

I can't seem to fight off the despair. I do not know what to do with myself or my life. And I hate it, because I know how blessed I am and how lucky I am to have the life I have, to have the family I have, and to have the knowledge that I have. Yet, while I despair about my physical infirmities and about my lack of direction and guidance, most of it is about things that have little or nothing to do with me. I just cannot understand why Jeremy has been given the life he has. It has been so difficult and so incomprehensible...I do not believe I could have made it through as far as he has and in as good of shape. I know he's not in good shape at all, but at least he's surviving. I do not know how he does it, either.

I have to fight off the sadness and anger that rises in my throat at the thought of the people who have hurt him so much over the years. I know it's not my problem, but I cannot help it. While I am moving on as best as I can, and will not contact him again, I still despair for him. I keep asking God why he would allow such calamities to enter into the life of one of His sons. Why? And why did He ask me to love this young man who had very little hope of success?? Why would God want me to care so much about Jeremy? Why would He grant me the gift of forgiveness and unconditional love towards a man who has hurt me more than everyone in the past who has ever hurt me -- COMBINED? Why would God give me insight into the little known facts of Jeremy's past and present, when there is NOTHING I CAN DO??? I made a promise to Jeremy and I'm not going to break it. Jeremy only wants to destroy me. I know he hates me because of my faith and because of my strength. I know he sees me as "holier than thou" and resents the fact that I keep trying to lead a good life. I know he doesn't believe I could understand or empathize with him one bit because I HAVE been so blessed in the ways he has suffered needlessly, for instance, in the wonderful family that I have. I know he has convinced himself that I cling to my religion because it is "what I know", but what he doesn't realize is that my religion is "what I know" only because I have made it to be just that! If I lived my life being "who I am", I would be a sex-addicted alcoholic always on the verge of suicide, incapable of controlling my anger and other intense emotions and instead choosing to drown out my problems in meaningless relationships and in booze. THAT IS WHO I AM!!!! At my very carnal core, that is the woman that I am. I am weak, I have a sex drive that no one would even believe a woman was capable of posessing and such a craving for love that I know I would fall erroneously into the idea that sex WAS love, and I have such an intense emotional nature that the only way I could possibly escape it would be by getting drunk -- and not socially, mind you -- I would be the kind that would do it alone in my own home.

I just don't understand, though. I don't understand why I am in such a despairing state. I have such rich blessings in my life, and the gospel has only helped me to rise above my carnal nature and develop the true part of who I am, namely, my spiritual being. THIS is the part of me that stands forth and faces the world, even though every now and then my carnal nature gets the best of me (especially lately). But the gospel of Jesus Christ has been such a redeeming factor in my life and has saved me from the hell that my life would have otherwise become. How can I know this without ever having abandoned the gospel? I know through inspiration, through study, through prayer, and through an honest, raw look at myself and finally an acceptance of all that I am. THIS IS HOW I KNOW. Yet I still find myself willing and contemplating succombing to carnal desires as I sit here and despair over a young man who hates me and wants to destroy me. Yet I cannot hate him; it's impossible for me to do so. I just pray for him and plead with Heavenly Father to give him mercy -- to give him rest, before it is too late.

Yet during one of my prayers, an unsettling thought came to me. Heavenly Father HAS given Jeremy a means of escape. And He's probably done it more than a few dozen times. But one of those was me. In turn, Jeremy was to help ME overcome my own personal problems and provide for me what I too had been begging Heavenly Father to grant me. Jeremy prayed for a helpmeet and for love, for a woman who would love him no matter what -- unconditionally, who would know all about him and his life's challenges and his weaknesses and would love him all the more for them and because of his desire to escape his own carnal nature. He specifically asked for this, and he was given it. But he still rejected that gift. So what more can I plead for God to give this young man? He has had so many opportunities; he has had such utter despair in his life and so many experiences that have compelled him to be humble and realize the Hand of God in his life, and to realize the truth. Yet despite all of this, he has still chosen to rebel against God and against the very people who love him so much. He has abandoned the only real family he has, only because his "mother" acted as any mother would. Parents do this; and we get angry with them. But they do it because they love us, not because they want to destroy us. Heck, my own aunt called the cops ON ME several years ago after I had a nervous breakdown and started a fist fight with my own mother! I thought I would never be able to forgive her; especially considering how the people at church knew all about it too, because several of them saw me enter the hospital accompanied by two policemen. Yet I did forgive her, because I knew she loved me. Yeah maybe part of it was a sense of power or a sense of disgust at what I had become, but she still loved me, and it is that knowledge that enabled me to forgive her.

I sit here on my bed, in my third day missing from work, my body completely falling apart, contemplating the mistakes I have made over the past few weeks and even having to still push down the temptations that arise within me and beg for release. How much easier it would be to deny the truth and to just succomb. I have on a few occasions already, as mentioned previously...but there is something...something that still buoys me up; there is still a glimmer of hope that encourages me to not give up and tells me that my life has a purpose and meaning, and that someday I will understand why I was meant to go through all of this, and especially to go through the heart-wrenching process of loving a young man who would in the end only turn on me and consider me one of his number one enemies. I do not understand, but I know I must continue on and not give up on myself or my life...or my purpose and mission. I have no idea what the future holds for me and I am scared out of my mind, but that hope is still there. That faith is still there, even if it is surrounded by doubts and uncertainty. And it's there because of my Redeemer and Savior -- because He, too, refuses to give up on me. I may feel completely alone and abandoned, and the only thing I want to do right now is cry myself to sleep in the arms of a man who will finally love me, but at this point, I know that while I still have to wait for a young man who is strong enough and willing enough to work for me, as I have for him, I do know that I am not alone, and that I can and am held in the arms of my Savior and Elder Brother, and that He has always loved me and always will. And the temporal and eternal blessing of a husband and family will someday be mine if I only continue to obey and have faith.

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