Apr 25, 2005


Sometimes I think I just may be. Well back in 96 my psychiatrist told me I was slightly borderline, but I exibited so much common sense and such a clear understanding of what motivates me, why I react the way I do, my personal psychological and biological make-up -- well he just couldn't push me over that line:) The reason I was borderline, he said, was simply because of the extremes my emotions go to, whether they be happy, sad, angry, frustrated, etc.. Well, this was before I started the Zoloft. I still go to the extremes more than a "normal" person, if you can actually define anyone as normal -- but then again, anyone who really thinks they are "normal" are just proving my point. But we're human, and we need some sort of measurement system for EVERYTHING in order to function on this earth without going mad :) So using a biological average, this is how it was determined that I was borderline.

Of course, my life IS truly a rollercoaster. I can never complain that it is boring! Things are happening all the time, although it seems at least 70% of these occurrences usually are what I would consider negative. But I try to see the positive of every situation even when I'm in the middle of it. It helps me to get through it, and realize that usually these trials are for my own good, and even making stupid mistakes will in the end prove fruitful if I am truly humble enough to learn from them and forgive myself for them.

But...why am I droning on about this?? Because my emotions have been so stretched this past week. Right now, for instance, I'm sad...I'm sad because I'm losing and might potentially lose even more people that I love so much. My Uncle Mike is going through surgery today...and it's not the bypass surgery he probably needs. But his heart is too weak to do that so they are putting a pacemaker in for now, and that surgery in itself can cause too much stress and cause him to have a stroke. I worry, and I pray, because I love him sooooo much. He is everything to me, he truly is.

Also, Tara is moving out this weekend, and I truly have enjoyed rooming with her. Things seemed to have changed since the last time we lived together..not that it was bad, mind you, but I think the two of us have more in common now than we did at that time. In less than a month, Laurie will be leaving. As it is, the vast majority of my weekends until June 1st will be spent alone...well I mean I'll be the only person in the duplex!! Me, Beau and Vader (oh and Nemo!). Sometimes I love having the house all to myself, but it soon grows lonesome. I guess I'm just going to have to use my new assertiveness to my advantage and really try to make new friends as well as go out with my old and trusted ones.

But I woke up this morning and suddenly realized how it is all about to change...and I'm depressed because I was so hoping to get that job at UNR and finally get out of Madison and the slump I'm in. I have a good job here, and it's a beautiful city, but like I've mentioned so many times before, I just don't belong here anymore...I need to move on. I need to start a new career. But I still have no idea how to do this, especially since what seemed to be the perfect solution dematerialized on me.

Then there's the way I keep changing my mind about going out with this guy who I (kinda) know. It would totally be non-commital, and at this point in my life that is what I want..what I need...because frankly, there is no one around here (Madison) with whom I could even start a serious relationship with...and on top of that, I'm still hurting over my previous one. While I got to the point where I feel like I don't care (and I still don't hate Jeremy)...I think it's more a protection or wall I've built rather than actually being the truth. It's funny and yet sad at the same time how we as humans can not only lie to others, but lie to ourselves so much that we start to actually believe the lie and are wholly convinced that the real truth is in fact the distorted reality. Why do we do this? Usually fear or self-preservation, or sometimes, we do it to protect others from ourselves. But I've never been able to do this to such a scale that I've been able to convince myself that true was false and false was true, or that good was evil and evil was good. I can pretend for quite a long time, but I can never deny the nagging in the back of my mind of what I know is true. I'm too self-aware, as my psychiatrist said. I'm too self-aware and too in tune with the Spirit to have that happen. But this doesn't mean that I don't try, LOL.

But anyway, I want to go out with him. He's hot, he's smart, and he's an amazingly talented artist and graphic designer. But we come from completely different worlds, have completely different belief systems, and I think we are both looking at this potential whatever-you-want-to-call-it (friendship with benefits???) quite differently, even though the goal is the same. I just know I want to do the right thing, but I'm soooo tired of being so strong and courageous...I'm sooo tired of feeling so utterly alone simply because I actually stick to my beliefs and knowledge of what I know is true...and I'm so tired of thinking every Friday night "I'm too attractive and too nice to be stuck here at home!!" Yet I really don't like parties, I hate bars, I don't smoke or drink, I don't believe in premarital sex...I mean...I'm so drastically different from the majority of people in my age bracket (and HEY, I'm not saying I'm better....I'm just different) that I just don't know where I fit in. Yes, I feel quite more comfortable with other Mormons, but even they tend to be so different from me...in the opposite direction that many non-members are. So what is a girl like me to do??? I guess make a damn decision and just go with it! I really don't know the consequences of such an action, all I know is I don't want to do the wrong thing, but I can't live my life being afraid of always doing the wrong thing (but at the same time, I can't live my life just blindingly jumping into decisions and opportunities without thinking about them and making a correct judgment call on whether they are good for me or not!).

I guess I'm just tired of thinking about it. I just want to enjoy myself, I just want to be happy, and I just want to have more people in my life. I'm tired of being shy and inhibited, meek and quiet. I'm tired of spending so much time at home. I'm tired of even the activities and hobbies that I have and enjoy, because they are solitary in nature.

I'm just tired of a lot of things, and I know I need to make changes. But for the first time in my life, I do not know how.

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