I really do! I know I just saw her on Sunday morning, but I also know that I won't see her until her birthday...and then after that who knows??
I don't know why I feel inside like she's supposed to be here. I know it's got to be a completely selfish feeling...but that nagging emptiness still exists. And with her being gone, ironically, I find myself missing Jeremy. For the last two months I've done good at not thinking about him (except those nagging moments of righteous indignation and pity for him). However, last week I went with Aaron and Laurie to the movies, where we watched Star Wars III - Revenge of the Sith. I cried. Yes, I'm probably the only person who has cried at Star Wars, particularily this episode...and no, it wasn't when Padme died (we all knew that was coming anyway). It was when she was begging Anakin to come back from the dark side -- insisting that this wasn't who he was, and that he had been deceived by a dark force. "You are going to a place I cannot and will not follow!" she cried in anguish. Anakin only got angrier with her, and instead of recognizing the love and purity behind those eyes he instead saw betrayal. He instantly made her his enemy.
I should have known that this part of the plot would get to me. I knew something like it was coming, yet I never drew the similarities of Anakin and Padme to Jeremy and I. Yet when Padme was crying, begging, and reaching out to a man who let his hatred and anger overcome his love and goodness -- well, I could more than relate. I know it's just a fictitious story, but similarities have been drawn between Star Wars and the Gospel ever since the 2nd three movies came out about 20 years ago. This just took it to an even more personal level, and that anguish and despair that I've so expertly covered up were unleashed upon me once again. The wound had been opened, ironically, by a sci fi/fantasy movie.
Well, that coupled with losing my sister have really gotten to me -- more than I have admitted to my friends and family and even to myself. I guess suddenly I'm faced with a more terminal loneliness than I've experienced before...I never even felt this way when I was actually thousands of miles away from home, be it in Utah or in Spain.
Well, at least for now I have a new car (and the comfort of knowing I got an amazing bargain on it) to keep myself somewhat occupied. Yeah, I know, it's materialistic...but at least there's something new in my life that is pleasant! Well, yes, I have that and getting the house cleaned up, getting the guest room in order, and trying to plan my summer exercise/diet schedule accordingly.
Well I suppose I could start by mowing the lawn.
May 31, 2005
May 26, 2005
May 25, 2005
Paying tithing always seems to bring miracles into my life!
I'm just really choked up right now....it seems every time I struggle to pay my tithing, and I feel I just don't have the money, yet I make myself do it, I am so blessed in numerous yet obvious ways! It's happened every time, and I can never say it's merely a coincidence. God truly does bless those who serve Him and who obey His commandments!
I just got off the phone with Sprint -- which is usually a really bad experience in every way. Actually I called the twice, and the first time was horrible -- the CSR had a Jamaican accent and she was almost impossible for me to understand...and she kept insisting that the mistakes on my plan were in fact "policy" and the way it was. I tried being polite, but she got on my last nerve and I ended up hanging up on her. THEN I went to Sprintusers.com, because I remember reading there several months ago that there are unpublished, unknown phone numbers to "special" CSRs who deal specifically with retention and can give you secret "deals", depending on what kind of customer you are. I was skeptical, but I found one of the phone numbers and dialed.
The phone didn't even ring ONCE. A woman answered immediately (and this is at 11:30 pm CST, mind you). There was no hold and no dorky elevator music to listen to for half an hour, only to be put back into the queue once again by a dimwat CSR. I was polite and tried to be upbeat as I explained the situation to her..and also explained how I need to lower my plan and get rid of the 2nd line. I knew the 2nd line would cost me $150 to disconnect -- and this I told her.
Well, she was so pleasant and helpful, and she did more than just give me a good deal. While the plan I obtained is a standard publicly known plan, it will be perfect for me. I asked her on average how many anytime minutes do I use on a regular basis. She said around 250. So I got rid of the $65.00 1100 minute plan ($.40 each additional min) -- with the added phone and the Vision, free roaming, N&W after 7pm it ended up being between $130 and $160 every month). But anyway, I went with the $35/300 min Fair and Flexible plan. 300 min can be easy to go over..yes...but the great thing about this plan is if I use, say, between 301 and 500 minutes, I only pay an additional $5 for each 100 min. After that it's only $.10 a min. Sweet! I also got rid of my SprintTV since I never use it, but I kept of course the PCS Vision, the picture mail and the video mail. I get that for free the first 2 months as well. Then I have the no roaming and insurance...so all of that for $70 a month. I can't complain:) I know most other providers offer more min for the money, but I really like the no worries about overages deal. So if I get another boyfriend I won't cost myself an extra $200 like I did the last time :)
But the greatest thing was concerning Laurie's phone number. What she did to help me was suspend her number so it can't be used, and put it on what she called a "vacation" plan. Basically, instead of paying the extra $25/mo for her phone until Dec, or paying the $150 to disconnect it, I'm being charged $5 a month to keep it on "vacation" until I decide to disconnect it. Heck that's only like $30 until I CAN disconnect it! Woohoo...that ROCKS!
Then as many of you know, tomorrow I'm picking up my 2005 5 SPD Vue :) I took it for a spin today while my car was being assessed for a trade in, and it was such a sweet ride. Suddenly I felt good about this decision. But it got even BETTER...Saturn offered me $6900 on my 2002 SC2..that's about $1000 over KBB price! I was going to sell it outright for $7623, but until I sold it I'd have to pay for insurance and licensing. Now that's taken care of:) AND I made $750 off the deal..most trade ins are losses, but not mine:) But of course it's a dang sweet car. The assessors kept glancing out at it shining in the sun. It's a rare gem, that's for sure...only $39500 miles, near perfect condition (except that stupid speedometer), new tires, fully loaded...heck I bet they are the ones that got the deal:) You just don't see that car in that beautiful blue...since I've owned it I've only seen its like a handful of times. Lots of silver and black ones out there, but not blue. I bet anything they'll turn around and sell it for around $11000. I'll have to go back and check up on it.
I'm sure going to miss that car. I love it. It was my first new car and I babied it, even if I drove like a maniac:) It's unique and it matches my personality. But it's time to move on, and believe it or not, getting this new car is actually going to help me financially. I will save $50 alone on insurance (small coupes are expensive to insure)..I got it for a total price of less than I paid for the coupe..plus GMAC is paying the first three months of financing for me because I'm a loyal GM owner:) AND I got a 5 year 60,000 bumper to bumper warranty! So it will last as long as the loan....I'm soooo happy about that!!
And the VUE has everything my SC2 has and more. It's not fully loaded, but that's ok:) It has tons of more space, the driver's seat is way more comfy, and it won't hurt me to get up and out of the car anymore. The sunroof opens with one touch now, too!
So anyway, things are looking up. These kinds of miracles always follow obedience to God's commandments...I don't know why I tend to keep FORGETTING that! It's so awesome..I'm so blessed and so grateful for Heavenly Father. I'm grateful that I have struggles and that I have commandments which I can obey and grow from.
I'm just so blessed:)
I just got off the phone with Sprint -- which is usually a really bad experience in every way. Actually I called the twice, and the first time was horrible -- the CSR had a Jamaican accent and she was almost impossible for me to understand...and she kept insisting that the mistakes on my plan were in fact "policy" and the way it was. I tried being polite, but she got on my last nerve and I ended up hanging up on her. THEN I went to Sprintusers.com, because I remember reading there several months ago that there are unpublished, unknown phone numbers to "special" CSRs who deal specifically with retention and can give you secret "deals", depending on what kind of customer you are. I was skeptical, but I found one of the phone numbers and dialed.
The phone didn't even ring ONCE. A woman answered immediately (and this is at 11:30 pm CST, mind you). There was no hold and no dorky elevator music to listen to for half an hour, only to be put back into the queue once again by a dimwat CSR. I was polite and tried to be upbeat as I explained the situation to her..and also explained how I need to lower my plan and get rid of the 2nd line. I knew the 2nd line would cost me $150 to disconnect -- and this I told her.
Well, she was so pleasant and helpful, and she did more than just give me a good deal. While the plan I obtained is a standard publicly known plan, it will be perfect for me. I asked her on average how many anytime minutes do I use on a regular basis. She said around 250. So I got rid of the $65.00 1100 minute plan ($.40 each additional min) -- with the added phone and the Vision, free roaming, N&W after 7pm it ended up being between $130 and $160 every month). But anyway, I went with the $35/300 min Fair and Flexible plan. 300 min can be easy to go over..yes...but the great thing about this plan is if I use, say, between 301 and 500 minutes, I only pay an additional $5 for each 100 min. After that it's only $.10 a min. Sweet! I also got rid of my SprintTV since I never use it, but I kept of course the PCS Vision, the picture mail and the video mail. I get that for free the first 2 months as well. Then I have the no roaming and insurance...so all of that for $70 a month. I can't complain:) I know most other providers offer more min for the money, but I really like the no worries about overages deal. So if I get another boyfriend I won't cost myself an extra $200 like I did the last time :)
But the greatest thing was concerning Laurie's phone number. What she did to help me was suspend her number so it can't be used, and put it on what she called a "vacation" plan. Basically, instead of paying the extra $25/mo for her phone until Dec, or paying the $150 to disconnect it, I'm being charged $5 a month to keep it on "vacation" until I decide to disconnect it. Heck that's only like $30 until I CAN disconnect it! Woohoo...that ROCKS!
Then as many of you know, tomorrow I'm picking up my 2005 5 SPD Vue :) I took it for a spin today while my car was being assessed for a trade in, and it was such a sweet ride. Suddenly I felt good about this decision. But it got even BETTER...Saturn offered me $6900 on my 2002 SC2..that's about $1000 over KBB price! I was going to sell it outright for $7623, but until I sold it I'd have to pay for insurance and licensing. Now that's taken care of:) AND I made $750 off the deal..most trade ins are losses, but not mine:) But of course it's a dang sweet car. The assessors kept glancing out at it shining in the sun. It's a rare gem, that's for sure...only $39500 miles, near perfect condition (except that stupid speedometer), new tires, fully loaded...heck I bet they are the ones that got the deal:) You just don't see that car in that beautiful blue...since I've owned it I've only seen its like a handful of times. Lots of silver and black ones out there, but not blue. I bet anything they'll turn around and sell it for around $11000. I'll have to go back and check up on it.
I'm sure going to miss that car. I love it. It was my first new car and I babied it, even if I drove like a maniac:) It's unique and it matches my personality. But it's time to move on, and believe it or not, getting this new car is actually going to help me financially. I will save $50 alone on insurance (small coupes are expensive to insure)..I got it for a total price of less than I paid for the coupe..plus GMAC is paying the first three months of financing for me because I'm a loyal GM owner:) AND I got a 5 year 60,000 bumper to bumper warranty! So it will last as long as the loan....I'm soooo happy about that!!
And the VUE has everything my SC2 has and more. It's not fully loaded, but that's ok:) It has tons of more space, the driver's seat is way more comfy, and it won't hurt me to get up and out of the car anymore. The sunroof opens with one touch now, too!
So anyway, things are looking up. These kinds of miracles always follow obedience to God's commandments...I don't know why I tend to keep FORGETTING that! It's so awesome..I'm so blessed and so grateful for Heavenly Father. I'm grateful that I have struggles and that I have commandments which I can obey and grow from.
I'm just so blessed:)
May 24, 2005
May 22, 2005
New site design...
Well, most of you probably enter my blog from my home page. If so, you've seen the new design I created today (I was bored with the old one and it was kind of BLAH).
Obviously all the pages of my site are mismatched now (except the home page and the webcam page) but when I get more time I'll update them to match (except my portfolio -- that's too much work to update the color scheme -- it's done in Flash).
But anyway, I thought I'd use brighter colors :) Hmmm anyone who's been in my house can probably see where I got the color scheme from ;) But...what do you all think?
Oh, and I HAD to add Vader and Beau...they're too cute to not put there in the corner...:D
Obviously all the pages of my site are mismatched now (except the home page and the webcam page) but when I get more time I'll update them to match (except my portfolio -- that's too much work to update the color scheme -- it's done in Flash).
But anyway, I thought I'd use brighter colors :) Hmmm anyone who's been in my house can probably see where I got the color scheme from ;) But...what do you all think?
Oh, and I HAD to add Vader and Beau...they're too cute to not put there in the corner...:D
May 20, 2005
Sigh
I really don't want my sister to move. I know she deserves to be happy, and I know she needs to do her own thing (whether I agree with it or not). I love her so much and am happy for that she is happy. But this morning as I was feeding the cats it finally hit me -- this is for real. She's leaving.
Last night I was, what Laurie likes to call, "trabby". The vast majority of my crabbiness had to do with Laurie moving, but some of it was even more self-pitying in nature. I realized I was the only woman at that table that had nothing to celebrate. Jess just finished her Master's degree. Gilly just graduated and is now a full-fledged health care worker...a respiratory therapist. Jazmine had just gotten married, and my sister had just gotten engaged and was now moving on to "better" things. Everyone was happy -- everyone had something to smile about. I'm not saying everyone didn't have problems -- I know very well by reading my friend's blogs and talking to them that not one of them is problem-free (but no one on this earth IS). But I just realized that everything that I have been working for and striving for has led me down a big road of nothing. I feel like a failure, a failure who is lost and abandoned. I have a degree with which my work has nothing to do with -- I will end up paying nearly $45,000 by the end of my loan term and for what?? A bachelor's means nothing these days. It's like the equivalent of what a high school diploma meant 30 years ago. Knowing my love for learning and the intelligence I possess, I feel like such a failure. But it's not because I didn't want to continue with school -- it's because I have no idea what to even study! On top of that is the financial side of things...I simply cannot afford it -- money AND time.
Then of course there is the relationship side of things. While I know again I'm not the only one on the planet with such feelings of loneliness...it just seems to be augmented because of the happiness of my sister. Not only is she leaving me (my best friend in the world and the greatest roommate I ever had) but she is moving on to do the very things I have prayed and yearned for for so long.
But I know I want to do things right. I know I can't just marry anyone -- and for that reason I would rather be alone for the rest of my mortal life than to try to fulfill that loneliness or need to have children by "settling" (fyi: I'm in no way saying my sister has done this! I'm just expressing thoughts related to my life ONLY). By no means do I want perfection in a husband..but I have already talked about this in my blog. Those who know me and read this already know that perfection is NOT what I seek or even remotely close to what I want.
But what I want is about as impossible as the hypothetical "Mr. Right".
But, in the meantime, I'm trying to get out there. I'm looking for jobs out west, and I'm trying to meet new people. I have made a few really great friends on ldslinkup.com -- one of them being this Marine named Paul whose spirituality and intelligence seem pretty much unmatched -- except, of course, by the former Jeremy (and of course I say "former" because "Jeremy" no longer exists :( ). I love talking to him...he's a great man, and a wonderful friend. I know he's not an ESTJ and I'm not an ISFP, LOL...but at the very least it is so refreshing to find someone who takes the gospel as seriously as I do and to be able to talk about it with such vigor and passion once again. I so miss that.
In fact, a few of Paul's first letters brought me to tears, because they reminded me so very much of some of those long, engaging, heart-felt and spiritual letters I received from Jeremy back in November and December of 03. Paul's sincerity and integrity just shine through his words, and his manner of seeing me as so very few people are capable of seeing me just made me feel so utterly, well, exposed. But not in a bad way -- as all who know me know that I am open and I will share anything with the people I trust. But it's like he could even see past not only the exterior but also the interior...right into my heart -- and he could see the pain and heartache that I've so carefully masked and bound up the best I could. He made a comment that floored me -- specifically about what it was that I am so in need of and the reason for my unhappiness despite my joy at having the gospel. He nailed it on the head, and described it with a few short words in a way that I could never before explain to anyone.
I'm grateful for him and his friendship. I hope he knows that. Well he must since I tell him all the time:) But it is indeed a rare thing to find people in this life that can see the real you and love you for being yourself, but ALSO believe the same way you do and have found out for themselves the truthfulness and simplicity of those beliefs. In fact, when such beliefs become an undeniable knowledge...and you find someone who ALSO has done the same thing with his/her beliefs...well..even in a church that believes in modern day prophets and personal revelation like ours does, it's still a rare thing to find. What a diamond in the rough Paul is. He's really amazing.
Last night I was, what Laurie likes to call, "trabby". The vast majority of my crabbiness had to do with Laurie moving, but some of it was even more self-pitying in nature. I realized I was the only woman at that table that had nothing to celebrate. Jess just finished her Master's degree. Gilly just graduated and is now a full-fledged health care worker...a respiratory therapist. Jazmine had just gotten married, and my sister had just gotten engaged and was now moving on to "better" things. Everyone was happy -- everyone had something to smile about. I'm not saying everyone didn't have problems -- I know very well by reading my friend's blogs and talking to them that not one of them is problem-free (but no one on this earth IS). But I just realized that everything that I have been working for and striving for has led me down a big road of nothing. I feel like a failure, a failure who is lost and abandoned. I have a degree with which my work has nothing to do with -- I will end up paying nearly $45,000 by the end of my loan term and for what?? A bachelor's means nothing these days. It's like the equivalent of what a high school diploma meant 30 years ago. Knowing my love for learning and the intelligence I possess, I feel like such a failure. But it's not because I didn't want to continue with school -- it's because I have no idea what to even study! On top of that is the financial side of things...I simply cannot afford it -- money AND time.
Then of course there is the relationship side of things. While I know again I'm not the only one on the planet with such feelings of loneliness...it just seems to be augmented because of the happiness of my sister. Not only is she leaving me (my best friend in the world and the greatest roommate I ever had) but she is moving on to do the very things I have prayed and yearned for for so long.
But I know I want to do things right. I know I can't just marry anyone -- and for that reason I would rather be alone for the rest of my mortal life than to try to fulfill that loneliness or need to have children by "settling" (fyi: I'm in no way saying my sister has done this! I'm just expressing thoughts related to my life ONLY). By no means do I want perfection in a husband..but I have already talked about this in my blog. Those who know me and read this already know that perfection is NOT what I seek or even remotely close to what I want.
But what I want is about as impossible as the hypothetical "Mr. Right".
But, in the meantime, I'm trying to get out there. I'm looking for jobs out west, and I'm trying to meet new people. I have made a few really great friends on ldslinkup.com -- one of them being this Marine named Paul whose spirituality and intelligence seem pretty much unmatched -- except, of course, by the former Jeremy (and of course I say "former" because "Jeremy" no longer exists :( ). I love talking to him...he's a great man, and a wonderful friend. I know he's not an ESTJ and I'm not an ISFP, LOL...but at the very least it is so refreshing to find someone who takes the gospel as seriously as I do and to be able to talk about it with such vigor and passion once again. I so miss that.
In fact, a few of Paul's first letters brought me to tears, because they reminded me so very much of some of those long, engaging, heart-felt and spiritual letters I received from Jeremy back in November and December of 03. Paul's sincerity and integrity just shine through his words, and his manner of seeing me as so very few people are capable of seeing me just made me feel so utterly, well, exposed. But not in a bad way -- as all who know me know that I am open and I will share anything with the people I trust. But it's like he could even see past not only the exterior but also the interior...right into my heart -- and he could see the pain and heartache that I've so carefully masked and bound up the best I could. He made a comment that floored me -- specifically about what it was that I am so in need of and the reason for my unhappiness despite my joy at having the gospel. He nailed it on the head, and described it with a few short words in a way that I could never before explain to anyone.
I'm grateful for him and his friendship. I hope he knows that. Well he must since I tell him all the time:) But it is indeed a rare thing to find people in this life that can see the real you and love you for being yourself, but ALSO believe the same way you do and have found out for themselves the truthfulness and simplicity of those beliefs. In fact, when such beliefs become an undeniable knowledge...and you find someone who ALSO has done the same thing with his/her beliefs...well..even in a church that believes in modern day prophets and personal revelation like ours does, it's still a rare thing to find. What a diamond in the rough Paul is. He's really amazing.
May 18, 2005
May 15, 2005
Myers-Briggs tests
To find out what the letters mean (like I'm an INFJ) click here.
INFJ - Introverted iNtuition with auxiliary extraverted Feeling.
INFJ - Introverted iNtuition with auxiliary extraverted Feeling.
INFJs direct their energy towards the inner world of thoughts and emotions. They use their imagination to come up with new ideas, possibilities and insights, especially in relation to people and important beliefs. They are often good at developing insight into people, though it can often remain unexpressed.
May 14, 2005
Personality Type (Myers-Briggs)
I didn't even realize this was a Myers-Briggs type test, but HAHA I STILL am an INFJ. Paul...I told you I was:) Every test I take tells me so!
Anyway, here are my results and a link to the test:
What's Your Personality Type?
Anyway, here are my results and a link to the test:
Your #1 Match: INFJ |
The Protector You live your life with integrity, originality, vision, and creativity. Independent and stubborn, you rarely stray from your vision - no matter what it is. You are an excellent listener, with almost infinite patience. You have complex, deep feelings, and you take great care to express them. You would make a great photographer, alternative medicine guru, or teacher. |
What's Your Personality Type?
How Liberal/Conservative are you?? Discuss
I was surprised by my answer -- while I'm still conservative, I am more liberal than I thought I was. Check out my results, and take the test for yourself. Leave a comment and let me know how you did and what you think!
Overall: 60% Conservative, 40% Liberal
Social Issues: 75% Conservative, 25% Liberal
Personal Responsibility: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal
Fiscal Issues: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal
Ethics: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal
Defense and Crime: 75% Conservative, 25% Liberal
How Liberal / Conservative Are You?
Michelle's Political Profile
Overall: 60% Conservative, 40% Liberal
Social Issues: 75% Conservative, 25% Liberal
Personal Responsibility: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal
Fiscal Issues: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal
Ethics: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal
Defense and Crime: 75% Conservative, 25% Liberal
How Liberal / Conservative Are You?
May 13, 2005
ROFLMAO
Regarding security at the Salt Lake City airport, one man complained about the extremity of the measures security personnel go to:
Yeah, they confiscate the stupidest things. Just the other day, they confiscated some poor little old lady's knitting needles. They were afraid she's knit an Afghan.
May 11, 2005
May 10, 2005
The gift of discernment
I loved this quote when I read it on an LDS site just now -- it's from a BYU devotional this morning given by Elder Bedenar.
Now I remember there WERE awesome things about attending BYU....and I do miss those wonderful devotionals.
Now I remember there WERE awesome things about attending BYU....and I do miss those wonderful devotionals.
"First, I mentioned the gift of discernment embodying the power to discriminate, which has been spoken of in our hearing before particularly as between right and wrong. I believe that this gift when highly developed arises largely out of an acute sensitivity to impressions--spiritual impressions, if you will--to read under the surface as it were, to detect hidden evil, and more importantly to find the good that may be concealed. The highest type of discernment is that which perceives in others and uncovers for them their better natures, the good inherent within them."
Stephen L. Richards
Technology ROCKS:)
Now I can post not only from my Sanyo MM-7400, but ALSO from the dashboard in Apple's new OS X (10.4 - Tiger). That's what I'm doing right now....and it's awesome!
May 9, 2005
A Picture Share!
My office (This photo was taken on my Sprint PCS phone and uploaded to my blog using Blogger's free Blogger-Mobile service. Cool, huh?)
May 6, 2005
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