May 31, 2005

I miss my sister

I really do! I know I just saw her on Sunday morning, but I also know that I won't see her until her birthday...and then after that who knows??

I don't know why I feel inside like she's supposed to be here. I know it's got to be a completely selfish feeling...but that nagging emptiness still exists. And with her being gone, ironically, I find myself missing Jeremy. For the last two months I've done good at not thinking about him (except those nagging moments of righteous indignation and pity for him). However, last week I went with Aaron and Laurie to the movies, where we watched Star Wars III - Revenge of the Sith. I cried. Yes, I'm probably the only person who has cried at Star Wars, particularily this episode...and no, it wasn't when Padme died (we all knew that was coming anyway). It was when she was begging Anakin to come back from the dark side -- insisting that this wasn't who he was, and that he had been deceived by a dark force. "You are going to a place I cannot and will not follow!" she cried in anguish. Anakin only got angrier with her, and instead of recognizing the love and purity behind those eyes he instead saw betrayal. He instantly made her his enemy.

I should have known that this part of the plot would get to me. I knew something like it was coming, yet I never drew the similarities of Anakin and Padme to Jeremy and I. Yet when Padme was crying, begging, and reaching out to a man who let his hatred and anger overcome his love and goodness -- well, I could more than relate. I know it's just a fictitious story, but similarities have been drawn between Star Wars and the Gospel ever since the 2nd three movies came out about 20 years ago. This just took it to an even more personal level, and that anguish and despair that I've so expertly covered up were unleashed upon me once again. The wound had been opened, ironically, by a sci fi/fantasy movie.

Well, that coupled with losing my sister have really gotten to me -- more than I have admitted to my friends and family and even to myself. I guess suddenly I'm faced with a more terminal loneliness than I've experienced before...I never even felt this way when I was actually thousands of miles away from home, be it in Utah or in Spain.

Well, at least for now I have a new car (and the comfort of knowing I got an amazing bargain on it) to keep myself somewhat occupied. Yeah, I know, it's materialistic...but at least there's something new in my life that is pleasant! Well, yes, I have that and getting the house cleaned up, getting the guest room in order, and trying to plan my summer exercise/diet schedule accordingly.

Well I suppose I could start by mowing the lawn.

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