May 20, 2005


I really don't want my sister to move. I know she deserves to be happy, and I know she needs to do her own thing (whether I agree with it or not). I love her so much and am happy for that she is happy. But this morning as I was feeding the cats it finally hit me -- this is for real. She's leaving.

Last night I was, what Laurie likes to call, "trabby". The vast majority of my crabbiness had to do with Laurie moving, but some of it was even more self-pitying in nature. I realized I was the only woman at that table that had nothing to celebrate. Jess just finished her Master's degree. Gilly just graduated and is now a full-fledged health care worker...a respiratory therapist. Jazmine had just gotten married, and my sister had just gotten engaged and was now moving on to "better" things. Everyone was happy -- everyone had something to smile about. I'm not saying everyone didn't have problems -- I know very well by reading my friend's blogs and talking to them that not one of them is problem-free (but no one on this earth IS). But I just realized that everything that I have been working for and striving for has led me down a big road of nothing. I feel like a failure, a failure who is lost and abandoned. I have a degree with which my work has nothing to do with -- I will end up paying nearly $45,000 by the end of my loan term and for what?? A bachelor's means nothing these days. It's like the equivalent of what a high school diploma meant 30 years ago. Knowing my love for learning and the intelligence I possess, I feel like such a failure. But it's not because I didn't want to continue with school -- it's because I have no idea what to even study! On top of that is the financial side of things...I simply cannot afford it -- money AND time.

Then of course there is the relationship side of things. While I know again I'm not the only one on the planet with such feelings of just seems to be augmented because of the happiness of my sister. Not only is she leaving me (my best friend in the world and the greatest roommate I ever had) but she is moving on to do the very things I have prayed and yearned for for so long.

But I know I want to do things right. I know I can't just marry anyone -- and for that reason I would rather be alone for the rest of my mortal life than to try to fulfill that loneliness or need to have children by "settling" (fyi: I'm in no way saying my sister has done this! I'm just expressing thoughts related to my life ONLY). By no means do I want perfection in a husband..but I have already talked about this in my blog. Those who know me and read this already know that perfection is NOT what I seek or even remotely close to what I want.

But what I want is about as impossible as the hypothetical "Mr. Right".

But, in the meantime, I'm trying to get out there. I'm looking for jobs out west, and I'm trying to meet new people. I have made a few really great friends on -- one of them being this Marine named Paul whose spirituality and intelligence seem pretty much unmatched -- except, of course, by the former Jeremy (and of course I say "former" because "Jeremy" no longer exists :( ). I love talking to him...he's a great man, and a wonderful friend. I know he's not an ESTJ and I'm not an ISFP, LOL...but at the very least it is so refreshing to find someone who takes the gospel as seriously as I do and to be able to talk about it with such vigor and passion once again. I so miss that.

In fact, a few of Paul's first letters brought me to tears, because they reminded me so very much of some of those long, engaging, heart-felt and spiritual letters I received from Jeremy back in November and December of 03. Paul's sincerity and integrity just shine through his words, and his manner of seeing me as so very few people are capable of seeing me just made me feel so utterly, well, exposed. But not in a bad way -- as all who know me know that I am open and I will share anything with the people I trust. But it's like he could even see past not only the exterior but also the interior...right into my heart -- and he could see the pain and heartache that I've so carefully masked and bound up the best I could. He made a comment that floored me -- specifically about what it was that I am so in need of and the reason for my unhappiness despite my joy at having the gospel. He nailed it on the head, and described it with a few short words in a way that I could never before explain to anyone.

I'm grateful for him and his friendship. I hope he knows that. Well he must since I tell him all the time:) But it is indeed a rare thing to find people in this life that can see the real you and love you for being yourself, but ALSO believe the same way you do and have found out for themselves the truthfulness and simplicity of those beliefs. In fact, when such beliefs become an undeniable knowledge...and you find someone who ALSO has done the same thing with his/her beliefs...well..even in a church that believes in modern day prophets and personal revelation like ours does, it's still a rare thing to find. What a diamond in the rough Paul is. He's really amazing.

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