Jun 15, 2005

Epiphanies and the like

Well, again it's quarter past two and I'm not asleep. I really don't know why I've been more of a night owl than ever! Instead of sleeping, I ended up changing the CSS for my blog page to match my home page. Something that totally could have waited, but I was in the mood, so I did it.

I was talking to a friend earlier and while doing so, a thought came to me. I was telling him about how I suffer from clinical depression. Then jokingly I added, "Sometimes I get mad at myself when I'm really depressed, because there is always an optimist within me that keeps telling me that it will get better, and that I can make it through anything. It sucks, because sometimes you just want to feel sorry for yourself and act as if the world is ending!" He laughed, and then I added, "It kinda hard though when you have the gospel!".

That was when it struck me. I have been asking and praying to understand why I have been unhappy for so much of my lifetime, when here I have the single most glorious thing I could possibly ask for, namely, the truth. I was getting it a few months ago, but then that whole nasty episode with Jeremy came down, and the effects that that had on my life since then have been quite negative and almost to the point of disastrous. So here I've been again, slowly picking myself up, having to repent of sins I never thought I'd commit, and having to reestablish that "life-line" with my Father in Heaven once again and focus on re-igniting that fire that I knew was still within. But here I am again, thankfully preserved by the Grace of God alone (I've almost done the uttermost foolish things over the past few months but Heavenly Father has been with me to protect me from myself when I needed it the most), again reestablishing all that I almost lost, and I finally get it. I have had the answer all along. All those times when I felt like my life couldn't get worse; those times I cried myself into such utter despair and grief; the mourning process I was forced to go through because of the actions of the man I once loved...there was always that inner optimist that reminded me that Heavenly Father did not send me here to fail, and that I would overcome through my faith and through the borrowed strength of my Savior. Even when I felt I least deserved His love and His grace, He was there. He reminded me of my worth, and reminded me of my earthly mission.

How could I have been so blind, as to not recognize that as the inspiration of the Holy Ghost? I always said that I never understood why some people were suicidal...because frankly, even though I've been in such a state of wanting to hide myself for months in some distant place completely devoid of people, I never wanted to die. I always knew, despite the fact that I didn't want to know, that I would overcome.

Heavenly Father sure does love me, and I am again humbled and grateful for gaining this knowledge and recognizing yet again His divine Hand and His love in my life.

A few hours later I had another epiphany. By happenstance I again learned of some goings-on in Jeremy's life. But this time upon learning the new developments (which weren't any worse than anything before, I might add) suddenly I shivered, and I realized that I didn't want to love him anymore. He has become such a low, unfortunate soul who, frankly, is not worthy of me. I hate to say such things about a man I still care about deeply, but he has again self-actualized how he feels people see him and more sadly, how he feels about himself. I just found myself shaking my head in pity and in sadness. I no longer can look to him with the least bit of respect. He has sunken to new lows in his life, and while I knew it 3 months ago, the fact that nothing has changed only proves that he is determined to destroy anything that is good and pure within his dear heart.

I know Heavenly Father still loves him just as much as He always has, and I know that in His eyes, Jeremy is every bit as priceless as the rest of us. I'm grateful that God doesn't give up on His children even when His children give up on Him, as Jeremy has done. But despite knowing that he has infinite worth, divine potential, and a string of other good qualities, all I can see now when I think of him is someone who is not what I want. Part of me keeps saying, "WHAT on earth was I thinking??" But then I remember that both of us had received divine revelation concerning our celestial union. I cannot and will not deny that, but Jeremy did, and I had to come to terms with that. His denial of such only lead to the complete annihilation of the promises and blessings specific to said union. I will not go without -- this I know -- but it still pains me to know that Jeremy has chosen his own road to despair.

I still don't understand how a young man with such vitality and passion as he had could become the person he is now. He was given every chance of success -- the true gospel of Jesus Christ, an adopted family, talents of eloquence and speaking, a testimony of gold, an IQ off the charts, and he was even introduced to his future wife and helpmeet, just to name a few. But what does this young man do? Is he grateful? At first. But he allows the Adversary to color his perspective when things start to get bad..and rather than persevere and seek the strength that his Savior would have willingly lent him, he goes into auto-destruct mode and completely destroys all that is good and holy in his life. Then he turns the people who love him the most into his mortal enemies.

Why would a person do this? I do not know. But I am now at a point where I know for sure that he is no longer a man I would want any association with, despite the fact that I still care about him and pray for him. Asking my whole ward and everyone I know to fast for him that one Sunday perhaps did not one ounce of good...but through it all, I have emerged a stronger, more determined woman, armed with, ironically, an even greater ability to love unconditionally, and a desire to overcome the same self-destructive road that I too began to travel upon just three short months ago.

And why am I different? Why when, my entire belief system is challenged, and I have to seriously question the truth I have known my whole life...why then do I come forth victorious in overcoming that bitter enemy? I am no better and certainly no smarter than Jeremy. So what is the difference?

I recognize that I have free agency to choose the outcomes of my life. I recognize that neither fate, nor other people, control who I am, what I believe, or what I do with what I have. I do not blame my problems on past hardships, on that which I lack, or on other people. I recognize that I have to own those problems, because they are mine...most of them consequences of my own incorrect decisions, but some also just there to keep me humble and to remind me of how much Heavenly Father loves me.

THAT, my dear friends, is the difference between Jeremy and I. And it is THAT very quality that I absolutely require in a future companion. I have finally realized this.

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