Well, I learned this week that my brother finally proposed to Louisa. Now he is officially engaged. Their wedding will be either the 22nd or 29th of April 2006. My sister's will probably be a week later...May 6th,
Of my cousins and I, (and I'm the eldest), I'm the only one left. I don't want to rush into any marriage, mind you, but considering the fact that I could have been married in April of LAST year...well, although that didn't work out, and probably for the best, it still stings.
It stings because my biological clock is ticking and my body is practically screaming at me that I need to have a baby. It stings because being celibate and a 29 year old virgin is becoming quite the impossibility. It stings because everyone of my LDS best friends, my former boyfriend, and my sister have all left. I am completely alone when it comes to dating. I am blessed, however, to have Gilly and Jess around for me...I don't know where I would be without them and their love and support. I mean, I've been a real different kind of person over the past few months, and they hvae still stuck by me and not judged me for some of the errors of my ways. I love them to death, and by moving I know they are two reasons I will be sad to leave Madison.
Ok, don't get me wrong, I'm not going anywhere anytime soon. Everytime I apply for a job it seems I'm turned down (even when I'm a perfect match -- go figure). But as I've said a million times before, I'm not meant to stay in WI. My life needs to move out west somewhere. I had thought Reno, but obviously that's not the case. So where, then?
Plus school -- argh, I want to go back to school but I don't want to be in any more debt. My bachelor's degree has me in the hole enough as it is. I know I'm supposed to teach, again just repeating myself here, but does that mean as a career? Or simply put, as a calling in my ward, or later as a seminary or institute teacher? What am I supposed to do? I am told I am to use the gifts and talents the Lord has blessed me with, especially that of having an understanding and compassionate heart. Ok, but that doesn't exactly help me narrow it down, and as you all who know me well know by now, my interests are so vast and numerous, it's like impossible to decide! I could add to my BA and get a M.A. in Spanish, but what would I do with that? So then what about internatiional education? I've passionate about that subject. But I also love the fields of psychology, sociology, philosophy...social sciences seem to be my forte. But specifically, I know I have to have a job where I am working with people on a daily basis. I need to feel that I'm making a difference in the lives of others. While I'm still single and unmarried, my focus is still primarily on myself. To offset this, I need to focus on others, and through my career, I believe, is the manner in which Heavenly Father is directed me to do so.
I just don't honestly know...*sigh*.