Jul 28, 2005

Not much to say..

But I feel like I should say SOMETHING since I haven't written since last week. Hmmm, well, I love the new elliptical, other than the fact that it squeaks when using it (and Gilly and i put plenty of grease on it so I'm thinking there are some screws that are just too tight) but anyway, it has 4 programs and running through each of them has been great. I work up a sweat, but I'm doing it in my own home, watching my TV or listening to my music, etc.

I am also so used to water now. I mean, I haven't craved a soda at all -- amazing, huh?? I can't believe I haven't had one in two weeks!

What else...well yesterday I became depressed. I'm still feeling bummed today, but I know, again, it is Satan wanting me to hate myself. I'm working on it.

Jul 22, 2005

Life is good

Yeah, it really is:) I haven't felt this good in a LONG time. And only part of it has to do with the fact that I gave up soda (cold turkey YES!) and am easily drinking 64 oz of water a day, if not more. I haven't changed much else in my diet, although I'm limiting sugar intake, but I want to slowly, carefully, make a transition to a healthier lifestyle.

Speaking of which, Gilly and I pooled our money together and bought a new elliptical machine. It's a nice one with almost all the features that the ellipticals at the Princeton Club had. It's so heavy we couldn't get it out of my car on our own, though, LOL -- we'll need a guy to help us get it out and then we'll have to set it up. But considering how much I enjoyed this machine at the gym, it should prove to be fun. I'm going to put it in my room (so we can watch tv while using it) and move my computer desk upstairs to the spare bedroom, since it's basically just collecting dust.

And on another note, there's this amazing guy. Yeah I won't mention his name (cause I haven't asked you yet if I could ;) but anyway, I'm having such a great time getting to know him and have learned so much from him! He's been encouraging me with this pH miracle, and considering what amazing results he himself has experienced, well I just can't help but feel inspired and amazed and, well, since what I have read so far and what I have learned just makes plain, simple sense, I can really see myself eventually adapting such a lifestyle. I just feel like a new me is emerging, you know? I feel so much better physically, my nails are growing (for the first time in my life!), my skin and hair are healthier, I'm still losing weight as I have been all year, and it also has had a major effect on my depression. I still have some small anxiety attacks, and I get paranoid sometimes over things I have no reason to worry about, but I know that with time those feelings will eventually subside. Just the idea of being healthy, happy, and drug-free (meaning, not having to take Zoloft, an anti-depressant, anymore) excites me to no end. And while I know he won't take any credit for it, I owe it all to this man.

Can I also say how absolutely intelligent, educated, gorgeous, funny, spiritual, and all-out amazing he is? Sure why not? I've already told him that :) But really, getting to know him has been fascinating. I hope to continue to learn more:)

Jul 15, 2005

A Picture Share!

More adorable pictures of Kuzco





Hitch

I bought the movie Hitch and watched it tonight. While I was laughing through it (Damn, I love Will Smith -- not only is he hot, but he is sooo talented -- one of my favorite actors of all time) there were parts where I was in tears. Why? Because the whole concept behind the movie is so true. I was thinking about fear of relationships just today, in fact. Why is it that we make this so damn hard? Why are we so utterly afraid of being ourselves? Why do some of us hold our dating partners to such impossible standards? Why do others of us continue our singledom, sure that someone "better" will come along? Why do we expect so flipping much out of love, and think if it's not all butterflies and roses, then it can't be real? Why are so many people unwilling to truly commit, even when they make the committment via marriage? Why do people give up on their relationships when they get tough?

You know, I've never been married. I've had several relationships but not a one of them lasted that long. I've been unofficially engaged once, and I've been in love twice. When those relationships ended, the bitterness was overwhelming, and I couldn't help but be jaded. All I could think about was "I'm not good enough. My REAL personality sucks. I'm overwhelming, I love too much, hold on too tightly. I scare men because of it. What is wrong with me?" Now why would I think this? Because people tell me that there is something wrong with me for caring so damn much. The men who broke up with me said the same thing. Sure, all of them but the last one are my friends today, and they keep reminding me how truly special I am, and how all I need to do is be myself. They assure me it was their immaturities and fears that created the problem, and they remind me how much they regret the decision they made. Yet the truth is, immature or not, that decision WAS made at some point.

I give my whole entire heart to the man I am committed to. I would literally do anything for him. I am capable of deep, selfless, unconditional love. And when I fall, I fall hard. I'm great at flirting, and I'm great at being physical (within my limits, of course). But I can't hide the fact that I'm just a girl, craving to be loved, craving to be able to love fully and completely, and share my life, or rather my eternity, with another human being. I know it will be difficult. I know there will be doubts. I know there will be good times and bad. But I want to go through that. I want someone who is like me, who, unlike my past boyfriends, will never give up, even when HE is doubting, when he is depressed, when he is annoyed or angry with me. Instead, he will be willing to come to me, to talk to me about what it is I am doing wrong, and how I can improve. He will do his all to fulfill his side, and to better HIMself. He will love and serve God with his entire being, just as he loves and serves his family.

Why is this so much to ask? I mean, hell, even getting to the part where you find someone you click with is difficult. Then you have to hope that despite his past and your past, you can both overcome the jaded thoughts that enter your minds and those dulling fears of being hurt and rejected once again. And I've also learned that despite how much someone might want to be married, there is also that fear of giving up the single life and making such a commitment, as well as the fear of not being enough for another, of disappointing them.

It's so utterly complicated, but only because we make it so. I just want to cut through all the B.S. -- I just want to be myself, to be able to give my all, to love fully and freely, and to have that love finally welcomed and embraced, rather than flung back in my face.

I know soo much of what I do NOT want in a companion, but you know the scary thing? It's when you find all the qualities in someone that you have longed for and searched for, so much that it seems it cannot be real -- this is sometimes the scariest of them all. You just have that connection and you want to make it work somehow, and you are so scared of ruining it, or that once they find out more about who YOU are, they will no longer be interested -- and then there goes that miracle in your life walking out the door. Sometimes it's easier to purposely ruin a relationship or not even start one, and then sit there and complain about being single than it is to actually jump head first into one, and be willing to work against the barriers, frustrations, and the odds that are stacked against you.

Maybe I'm an idealist, but I also truly believe I'm a realist as well. When I speak of this "perfect" miracle, many people misunderstand and think I have some odd concoction of Mr. Perfect in my head. But that is so not the case. I want a man with faults. I want a man who knows heartache and despair. I want a man who has had to use the Atonement of Jesus Christ to the point of almost fully understanding it and its significance. I want a man who is trying to improve, just like I am, and who can be patient with my own weaknesses as I am with his. I have learned to actually love and embrace those weaknesses in other human beings -- not 'accept' them, per se, but realize that they are what enables each of us to someday become divine, if we can only but overcome them. It is true that I do not have much patience for people who willingly and knowingly make mistakes or sins and do not try to overcome the natural man. But for those who are struggling; for those who know what God expects of them, for those who are truly trying, even when they stumble and fall, well, it is this that I am speaking about. That is what I love about people, and it is what I will love in a companion.

Jul 13, 2005

Jul 9, 2005

The ability to speak another language is HOT

It was always one of my requirements in looking for an eternal companion. I let it slack with Jeremy, simply because I knew he could pick up language easily, but now that I think about it once again, the more I am determined that my children be bilingual. I know that I was inspired to choose Spanish as my degree (and to this day I've often wondered why) and I know that I was told to go to Spain on that internship, not only for my own benefit, but for the benefit of my children. I guess in the past few years I've forgotten about all that and haven't practiced Spanish like I should have been. I've been so focused on work and everything else that Spanish has kind of slipped my mind.

Considering how obsessed I was with Spanish and Hispanic culture, language, etc, I am surprised at myself. My sister mentioned it a few times over the past few years as well -- "Michelle, why aren't you in to it as much as before?" Good question, Laurie. Perhaps it's because I haven't been able to take my yearly vacation to Spain or another Spanish-speaking country. Perhaps it's because Jeremy didn't speak Spanish. I don't know.

But thinking back to Jaime..one of the most attractive traits he had was his ability to speak several languages. He's STILL learning more. His English is almost flawless and so is his French, and then you add Catalan, German, and now what -- Japanese -- to the mix...well that is just awesome.

My point? I think I'm going back to that desire. I want a man who can speak Spanish fluently...(preferably as a mother tongue simply because I want my children to be bilingual) but his English has GOT to be fluent as well. If he speaks more languages..all the better. Totally sexy, in my opinion :)

Jul 6, 2005

Two great quotes

As you know, I frequent ldslinkup.com on a daily basis. I love to read and participate in the discussion boards. There are so many intelligent, opinionated, profound subjects discussed (as well as the inane, stupid, but incredibly funny ones) that I am always learning something new and again analyzing my own beliefs concerning these topics.

These quotes are from some of those threads.

"Adversity is the great liberator. When your worst fears come true and you look around to realize "hey, I am still standing!", it is incredibly freeing!"


-and- (completely unrelated)

The boss of a trucking company was looking to hire a driver for his mountain route. There were three candidates. He took them up to a tight, curving bend overlooking a 400 foot drop.

He asked the first "How close can you come to driving off the edge of this?" The driver thought and said "I can get half a wheel over the edge and still maintain control.

The boss asked the second driver who answered with confidence "I could get one wheel over the edge and STILL maintain control."

The boss turned to the third driver and said "what about you?" The driver, with a steady voice responded "I stay as far away from the edge as I can."

The boss hired the third driver.

Just because YOU can (or think you can) "maintain control" is no reason to risk it. Please stay as far away from the edge as you can.

Jul 5, 2005

Sleep? Who needs sleep?

Yeah, I got about 3 hours of sleep last night. But considering the fact that I didn't do anything yesterday other than watch a few movies and bake some bread (oh yeah, and nap -- I fell asleep with my webcam on...that must have been an interesting picture to anyone who came across it, LOL) I will probably be ok.

I'm feeling all sorts of things this morning. It probably has to do with Post-MS, but that time of month doesn't usually affect me UNLESS there is already something I'm worried about. Only then does it get out of hand. But it's past now, and I'm still left to contemplate the varying emotions running through my heart, and the scurrying thoughts in my head.

Do you ever just wish you could turn your brain off?? Sometimes I think I have OCD, because I tend to focus on one thought obsessively or on too many thoughts at once. In either case, it will drive you batty if you can't force yourself to empty your mind and relax.

Jul 2, 2005

A quote

I posted this maybe a year or two ago, but someone reminded me of it and I am going to post it again. It's profound words of comfort, support, and understanding really can help us come to peace with those longings.
"I promise you that you can experience the fulfillment of your desire for eternal love, if you really want it, so long as you don’t want anything else more. I pray that you will do the work required to fulfill your family dream. The longing of the heart for this fulness is a central vision of the gospel. It is also a source of great power, especially on those cloudy days, or years, when your dreams seem impossible. Even when love wounds you, that’s because love matters so much. The deep hurt is the mirror image of the deep joy that still awaits you.

Your longing to belong forever to a loving family comes from God, and He has promised its fulfillment, if you are faithful: “For he satisfieth the longing soul, and filleth the hungry soul with goodness” (Ps. 107:9)
Elder Bruce C. Hafen, October 2003 Ensign

Wow

I met the most amazing guy...with the most amazing story and the most amazing sense of self, of God, and of life.

All I can say is I'm in awe.

Jul 1, 2005

DAMN IRS

I flippin' got AUDITED!

Now I owe the stupid IRS $300 before the end of the month. Why can't the audit some bigwig who makes over $300,000 a year? No, they pick on someone who in 2003 only cleared $28,000.

I know it's my own damn fault for making the error, but I'm still going to say it:

JACKASSES.