Jul 15, 2005


I bought the movie Hitch and watched it tonight. While I was laughing through it (Damn, I love Will Smith -- not only is he hot, but he is sooo talented -- one of my favorite actors of all time) there were parts where I was in tears. Why? Because the whole concept behind the movie is so true. I was thinking about fear of relationships just today, in fact. Why is it that we make this so damn hard? Why are we so utterly afraid of being ourselves? Why do some of us hold our dating partners to such impossible standards? Why do others of us continue our singledom, sure that someone "better" will come along? Why do we expect so flipping much out of love, and think if it's not all butterflies and roses, then it can't be real? Why are so many people unwilling to truly commit, even when they make the committment via marriage? Why do people give up on their relationships when they get tough?

You know, I've never been married. I've had several relationships but not a one of them lasted that long. I've been unofficially engaged once, and I've been in love twice. When those relationships ended, the bitterness was overwhelming, and I couldn't help but be jaded. All I could think about was "I'm not good enough. My REAL personality sucks. I'm overwhelming, I love too much, hold on too tightly. I scare men because of it. What is wrong with me?" Now why would I think this? Because people tell me that there is something wrong with me for caring so damn much. The men who broke up with me said the same thing. Sure, all of them but the last one are my friends today, and they keep reminding me how truly special I am, and how all I need to do is be myself. They assure me it was their immaturities and fears that created the problem, and they remind me how much they regret the decision they made. Yet the truth is, immature or not, that decision WAS made at some point.

I give my whole entire heart to the man I am committed to. I would literally do anything for him. I am capable of deep, selfless, unconditional love. And when I fall, I fall hard. I'm great at flirting, and I'm great at being physical (within my limits, of course). But I can't hide the fact that I'm just a girl, craving to be loved, craving to be able to love fully and completely, and share my life, or rather my eternity, with another human being. I know it will be difficult. I know there will be doubts. I know there will be good times and bad. But I want to go through that. I want someone who is like me, who, unlike my past boyfriends, will never give up, even when HE is doubting, when he is depressed, when he is annoyed or angry with me. Instead, he will be willing to come to me, to talk to me about what it is I am doing wrong, and how I can improve. He will do his all to fulfill his side, and to better HIMself. He will love and serve God with his entire being, just as he loves and serves his family.

Why is this so much to ask? I mean, hell, even getting to the part where you find someone you click with is difficult. Then you have to hope that despite his past and your past, you can both overcome the jaded thoughts that enter your minds and those dulling fears of being hurt and rejected once again. And I've also learned that despite how much someone might want to be married, there is also that fear of giving up the single life and making such a commitment, as well as the fear of not being enough for another, of disappointing them.

It's so utterly complicated, but only because we make it so. I just want to cut through all the B.S. -- I just want to be myself, to be able to give my all, to love fully and freely, and to have that love finally welcomed and embraced, rather than flung back in my face.

I know soo much of what I do NOT want in a companion, but you know the scary thing? It's when you find all the qualities in someone that you have longed for and searched for, so much that it seems it cannot be real -- this is sometimes the scariest of them all. You just have that connection and you want to make it work somehow, and you are so scared of ruining it, or that once they find out more about who YOU are, they will no longer be interested -- and then there goes that miracle in your life walking out the door. Sometimes it's easier to purposely ruin a relationship or not even start one, and then sit there and complain about being single than it is to actually jump head first into one, and be willing to work against the barriers, frustrations, and the odds that are stacked against you.

Maybe I'm an idealist, but I also truly believe I'm a realist as well. When I speak of this "perfect" miracle, many people misunderstand and think I have some odd concoction of Mr. Perfect in my head. But that is so not the case. I want a man with faults. I want a man who knows heartache and despair. I want a man who has had to use the Atonement of Jesus Christ to the point of almost fully understanding it and its significance. I want a man who is trying to improve, just like I am, and who can be patient with my own weaknesses as I am with his. I have learned to actually love and embrace those weaknesses in other human beings -- not 'accept' them, per se, but realize that they are what enables each of us to someday become divine, if we can only but overcome them. It is true that I do not have much patience for people who willingly and knowingly make mistakes or sins and do not try to overcome the natural man. But for those who are struggling; for those who know what God expects of them, for those who are truly trying, even when they stumble and fall, well, it is this that I am speaking about. That is what I love about people, and it is what I will love in a companion.

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